


The Constellation

by AskHisDisciple (PisceanQueen)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, First Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-02
Updated: 2013-06-02
Packaged: 2017-12-13 18:31:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/827471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PisceanQueen/pseuds/AskHisDisciple
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How do you tell someone you’re attracted to them? The first step is hard to take especially when the girl of your dreams is there right in front of you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Constellation

How do you tell someone you’re attracted to them?

Well. No psychologist ever would tell you that it is a nigh-impossible task only carried out by the mentally deficient and certain dribbling, intellectually vapid fools who want to get their blood pushers shattered into pieces by the no doubt certain rejection that awaits. In reality I suppose it is something all trolls must deal with one time or another in their lives. After all, my brethren are urged to fill their quadrants as quickly as possible upon maturity. Perhaps urged isn’t strong enough of a word... _Commanded_ by imperial decree would be more accurate. But even those who weren’t as inclined to fill their quadrants, such as I, would eventually come across this dilemma:

How _do_ you tell someone you’re attracted to them?

It didn’t happen overnight, as those great films and novels often like to pretend, but instead it happened gradually, and over the first sweep I knew the beautiful Leijon.

At first I found her somewhat peculiar, following Mother, Captor, and I as we travelled. She was content to stay in the shadows when I spoke to the people of each town we visited, transcribing every word. Often she would remain in the trees long afterward, keeping watch for us, even though no one had asked her to do so. Captor’s annoyance was apparent. It had been his job to play protector, but after sweeps in service, bound against his will to a starship, did not give him many skills dealing with the untamed wilds of Alternia. Leijon, however, knew how to hunt beasts; how to track them; how to kill them with the least amount of suffering.  She also knew about the Highbloods better than any of us. She knew their patrol tactics, their sneaky ways, and almost all of their tricks. There was a few times where, if she hadn’t been around, we’d have surely been caught. We all eventually owed her more than I could accurately express. She expected no thanks for her efforts either.

So I suppose it wasn’t entirely strange that I started to notice her.

I mean, she had been there all along, and yes, I had seen her before, but I hadn’t really _seen_ her, more than just on the surface. I started watching as she’d take off alone, up in the trees, going where none would follow her. Well, aside from Captor with his strange psionic abilities, but he was having none of that. I often watched Leijon as she dozed, taking only the briefest moments of respite for herself, curled up and trembling with some strange dream overtaking her. I silently wondered what she was seeing. After a successful hunt, she’d bring back whatever she caught to Mother, already skinned and cut far away from the camp so Mother would barely have to dirty her hands. Leijon was not used to gratitude but accepted it anyway.

After I noticed her I started really talking to her.

It was strange having those bright green eyes upon me, focused so intently on every word I had to say. At first she wouldn’t say much in return; she was still stand-offish from all the sweeps she had spent alone. Social skills weren’t necessarily her priority in life. Gradually I made sure my questions were ones that couldn’t be evaded or answered with a simple throwaway yes or no.

One day (and it felt like a switch had turned on in her) she asked me the questions. She was on the offensive, asking me how I felt about a myriad of topics. Not everything was related to my visions of the other world either. She’d ask about my youth; about Mother; about Captor when she was absolutely sure he wouldn’t hear. In these moments of inquisitiveness I saw the real Leijon. The carefree troll who had been beaten back into submission the day she lost her lusus as a youth.  It was like she was a flower, blooming even more beautifully than before.

We had visited a mountain town along our travels, one far higher up than we’d been before where the air was much thinner, and that was when she first actively sought me out, telling me she had something to show me once we were alone. We traipsed through the underbrush of the dense surrounding forests until we came to a small clearing, with a cliff drop off  on one side that would most likely cause even Captor to cower. We were extremely high up. Despite my well-founded fears (I admit, I thought the cliff would crumble beneath us, taking us to our doom) Leijon grabbed my hand and sat me down next to her on the edge. Under the light of the moons she pointed out specks of light far below us, some hidden in trees, some on the plains, naming off each settlement with startling accuracy along with quick tidbits about what we had done and said in each one.  Leijon had committed all of it to memory. She beamed when I told her how impressed I was.

When she was done looking down, she looked up, pointing like an excited wiggler and showing me the constellations, well-known and the obscure, noting ones even Mother was only vaguely aware of, and telling me that was how she always found us again after taking off on the hunt. Leijon smiled, telling me that every living being had a constellation of their very own, and though some would never find it in their lifetimes, it was still there. There were stars out there for everyone, even for a mutant like me. Of course, she never referred to me as mutant; I’m a little self-deprecating, but for someone like me there were also stars in that vast sky.

It was a thought I carried with me to the next village, and the one after that. Eventually, I used it in my usual speech, and even from afar I could see Leijon’s face light up. She was delighted. However later that evening when the four of us were alone Captor laughed about it, wondering where I had come up with such a ridiculous notion. Personal constellations? Nonsense! Leijon said nothing during his derisive laughter, instead taking off into the trees and not returning until we were ready to leave the area for the next one.

For a while after that it was quiet between her and I. She didn’t take me to the side and show me things or tell me any of the childhood stories she had accumulated any longer. It was though the wonder had been drained out of her. She had shown too much of herself and caught herself before it was too late. Leijon was back to being a protector and provider and solely that; little more than a tool we used. But suddenly I wanted to know even more. I wanted to know everything about Leijon. But why? It was a maddening curiosity that seemed to spring up unannounced. The less we talked the more I wanted to.

Seeing no other viable option, because of course I could never initiate conversation with her, no, because that would be the smart thing to do, I instead confided in Captor about my feelings. He laughed it off at first and chided me for this, my rare display of vulnerability, as he often did. He liked to pick on Leijon, to the point where I actually thought he was waning black for her, but he really only saw her as a pain in his ass. I assume it was because he was no longer the new companion or because she had taken most of the guard work upon herself. He probably felt redundant when he was around her.

Still, I told him that I couldn’t stop thinking about her. When I closed my eyes she was all I saw. When I spoke to the masses my gaze always drifted to her one time or another. When she smiled at me, my breath hitched. Her hair smelled like sandalwood. Her eyes were like emeralds!

I had no idea what had come over me! I thought I had become ill! Was it some sort of telepathic influence?! Was she gifted with powers? Was this a curse of the ancients?!

_"Idiot. You’re just flushed for her.”_

Captor always had a way with words.

But was I flushed? Did I really pity that girl in green who had begun to occupy my thoughts?

 _“I don’t know what to do!”_ I lamented.

_“Really? You’ve learned nothing from all those shitty romcoms I know you sneak off to watch? You have to tell her, dude. Even I know that and I’m a total loser in the quadrant department. That’s how this shit works. If you pine for her like a creep she’ll just grow to hate you. And not in a good way, mind you. Out with it now before it becomes even more fucking awkward between the four of us. Last thing we need is more of that around here.”_

So that brought me back to the dilemma at hand: How did I tell her I was attracted to her?

For weeks after that scenarios would play in my mind of when would be a good time to ambush her with this knowledge of my affection or what would be the perfect way to breach the subject to her. I went over lines in my head… over and over and over and over… and all of them were terrible. _Hey Leijon I just wanted to let you know I’m flushed for you if that’s all right._ Ah yes, lines spoken by a true loser in the romance department. I should have paid more attention to those romcoms.

My affection somehow morphed into resentment in the weeks following. I actively avoided her. Mother scolded me for giving Leijon the cold shoulder but I couldn’t help it. Leijon was making me feel like a fool and she didn’t even realize it, which made it even worse. It would have been so much easier had she just known I cared for her all along. But no. She had to be naïve and clueless! Or maybe she did know. Maybe she did it to spite me!

Finally I was forced into a conversation with her simply because we had no other options available to us.

Highbloods raided a village I had spoken in looking for the four of us. We’d been ratted out again. Not uncommon, not surprising. Often Lowbloods would report us not out of spite, but in fear, that if they hadn’t done so they would be culled when they Highbloods found out. Turns out they were almost always culled for indulging in heresy regardless of whether or not it was reported in the first place. It pained me each time it happened. In our rush out of the village we’d been split up, Captor with my Mother, and I with Leijon. She found us a cave easily enough and dragged me inside, guarding the entrance while I sat in the shadows at the back.

After hours of tense silence she spoke. She must have felt that our immediate danger had passed.

 _“I am sorry that you have been stuck with me. I know you do not care fur my company anymore,”_ she said in a soft voice, still keeping her gaze outside the cave.

 _Oh? What gave you that impression?”_ I retorted.

_“We nevfur speak anymore. You don’t ask me things. You don’t talk about the stars anymore with me. It is as though you’ve closed yourself off. I think you have begun to resent me but I do not know why.”_

My spite for her dissipated quickly. All that built up anger and hatred simply ebbed away and something occurred to me. I’d dabbled in all four quadrants with this girl. We always had talked about our feelings. We fought. Well. I guess it was one-sided. Mother stepped in to try and calm our feud. (Well, all right, maybe just calm myself.) And here I was, flushed for Leijon again, like nothing had ever happened to change it. I had no idea what had happened to me. What had she done to me?

 _“It’s not what you think_ ,” I told her; _“there are things I haven’t told you. I think I’ve been taking out my frustrations on you but you’ve not deserved it.”_

 _“What haven’t you told me, Vantas_?” her green eyes turned to me, and despite the low light, they glowed.

Well that just made it easier.

_“I want you.”_

She eyed me suspiciously, _“…to do what?”_

Wording, wording. If I had said _“me, right here, and right now,”_ I expect I would have been slapped —or worse—for good reason.

 _“You don’t understand, Leijon,”_ I explained, taking the safer route, _“I want you. Everything about you. I want to be with you. You are all I think about. Every day. Every night. I am consumed with thoughts about you and nothing I do will make them go away, even if I convince myself that I feel nothing for you. All I do… is think of you.”_

Suck it, romcoms. I had this down cold.

Her gaze faltered after a moment, comprehension sinking in, and then she looked away.

Despite how well I thought I had done I still worried about rejection. If she had rejected me I don’t know what I would have done. I didn’t have time to worry about that because after a moment she perked up at something unheard to me. She darted out of the cave to see Captor and my Mother searching for us.

 _“Hurry,”_ she whispered to me, waiting for me to follow.

So I did. And we ran together until we were certain none would follow.

The silence between Leijon and I continued for days, though Mother noted that it was with considerably less spite attached to it on my part. She asked if anything had happened between us and, truthfully, I said nothing _had_ happened, mostly since Leijon hadn’t brought up my confession.

Weeks passed and there was still uneasy tension between Leijon and I, though we had become civil once more. Deep down, though, I felt my heart breaking. The silence that night had clearly been a rejection. I had made a fool of myself again but I was not too surprised. I was no stranger to reading people the wrong way. My visions of the other world often seeped into my reality, causing me to treat others with a different set of values than those that were considered societal norms. It was an unpleasant side effect.

I was despondent. I, again, didn’t know what to do. I did not ask Captor again.

One night I told the others I was going for a walk. I had had a rush of visions not too long before and it had nearly made me collapse with the strain. Walking always calmed me down and brought me back to reality. Mother and Captor were accustomed to such episodes and knew I would return to normal soon enough. Leijon did not know that. She told the other two that she was going to watch me from afar to make sure nothing happened. Mother smiled at the gesture. Captor sniffed dismissively at her.

It was beginning to feel monotonous by that time. Life consisted of me going from town to town and talking, then moving on to yet another town, or a village, or a small working colony. It was rewarding and fulfilling to share messages of hope and love to those who would listen, but would I ever feel anything like that myself? Was my destiny to be denied the emotions felt by all those other trolls I sought to comfort simply because of these visions? I had started to become accustomed to the idea of it when Leijon tackled me from above.

I landed hard. The back of my skull hurt, though the ground was relatively soft. I was momentarily unaware what had happened to me until I opened my eyes and saw her own just inches from my own.

_“If you want me… then you should take me.”_

This had been wholly unexpected. But nevertheless I did.

I pulled myself up to a sitting position and wrapped my arms around her, kissing her. She returned the affection measure for measure with no hesitation and it felt natural. The myriad of emotions I felt for this girl rushed to the surface and a heat grew in my chest, right over my heart. Each kiss Leijon laid on my neck was like fire and I couldn’t cool off. We…

Well.

I’m sure you can fill in the blanks for yourself. There are some details I have no intention of divulging, not even under pain of torture.

By the end of it all, a long time later, which was far too soon looking back upon it now, I held her close beneath a tree and she fell asleep against me.

Often I had watched her in her sleep, since my own rest rarely came to me easily, trembling for some unknown reason. I attributed it to being without a recuperacoon for so long. This night, however, she did not tremble. No nightmares. She rested calmly against my chest and I looked up at the stars. It was though I had seen them all for the first time.

In the morning we returned. I went first, of course, so as not to arouse suspicion. After all… what would my Mother say? Leijon followed soon after with a hopbeast prepared for the fire.

Captor stared at me for most of the day and every time I caught his dual colored gaze he looked elsewhere. When we stopped again after a day of travel he took me aside.

 _“You got laid, didn’t you,”_ he muttered.

I couldn’t see it firsthand, of course, but I’m quite sure my blush gave away my blood color.

_“Mother Maryam and I figured that’s what happened. You had that stupid grin plastered on your face all day and after Leijon went after you we put two and two together.”_

I was never one for game faces.

_“Uh. Well.”_

_“Can I just say that it has been absolutely pathetic to watch the two of you for so long? What the fuck, man? I told you to tell her like fifteen sweeps ago. Not go back and forth like a weed on the goddamn breeze.”_

_“It was complicated,”_

_“It was your own damn fault is what that was.”_

_“Oh shut up.”_

_“Whatever. Good work, man. I knew you had it in you. You’ve made Leijon really happy.”_

_“You think?”_

_“Yeah. It’s pretty obvious. She’s grinning like the cat that ate the canary. Good on you, dude.”_

I smirked a little, pride welling up. I’d made her happy.

_“But I’ll tell you if I have to watch you two do all this lovey-dovey shit I’m gonna get sick to my stomach. Keep it away from me all right?”_

 I couldn’t help it. I laughed.

_“I’m sure I’ll say the same once you fill a quadrant.”_

_“Yeah right, chances of that happening are next to nil, buddy. Keep dreaming.”_

We laughed together the rest of the night about this and that and after they all fell asleep I moved next to Leijon who was leaning against a tree in peaceful repose. I took the spot next to her and she curled up beside me. Warm. No visions came to me that night and we both slept well.

Since then I’ve had more confidence than ever before. Telling others how I feel comes naturally to me now, especially with Leijon by my side. I speak to the masses with an even bigger heart, with the knowledge that these visions I see aren’t mere illusions, but glimpses of a future that we have to work hard towards so it will become our reality as well. I see in my companions the very reasons why this fight against inequality must go on. I, like many others, have people I care deeply for. I have a loving matesprit who is more than just that, a kind and watchful lusus, and a best friend who looks out for me despite my best efforts to ignore his sage, if somewhat attitude-laden, advice. With the three of them by my side there isn’t anything in my mind that could stop us. The four of us have become my own special constellation, just as Leijon said. There isn’t anything that will separate us. Not even death.

                

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I'm the mod of AskHisDisciple.tumblr.com! Thank you for reading my fifth HS piece. It was written from 5-8am on a Sunday morning. ~~What the hell is wrong with me!!! Wake up == > Write Fic.~~ Anyways!!
> 
> I was asked a while back on my blog to write a piece about Signless x Disciple falling in love... and their first time! Eep! Oh did I blush. I don't write NSFW!!... This is the closest I get before turning into a puddle of embarrassment. Still, I hope you enjoy it without all the sordid detail. ♥
> 
> It was really fun writing from the Signless' point of view. I'll have to do this again sometime!


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